This is one of those rare cases where the bad news is actually good news: you have a long journey ahead in order to reach your peak sexual pleasure. This probably doesn’t come as a total surprise to you. Sexual activities haven’t been that mind-blowing for you. Maybe you haven’t grown up in a particularly sex-positive culture, or maybe you’ve experienced something traumatic. You’re not alone. Society has a long way to go before it takes female pleasure seriously. But herein lies some good news! You can start to learn & unlearn the things that turn you on and the things you’re better off without.
In her phenomenal book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski introduces the metaphor of a garden in talking about your body and sexuality:
“You didn’t choose your plot of land, the seeds that were planted [by your family and your culture], or the way your garden was tended in the early years of your life. As you reach adolescence, you begin to take care of the garden on your own. And you may find that your family and culture have planted some beautiful, healthy things that are thriving in a well-tended garden. And you may notice some things you want to change. Maybe the strategies you were taught for cultivating the garden are inefficient, so you need to find different ways of taking care of it so that it will thrive. Maybe the seeds that were planted were not the kind of thing that will thrive in your particular garden, so you need to find something that’s a better fit for you.”
Some questions for Learn & Unlearn profiles: What are some experiences where you’ve been extremely turned on? What do your positive, erotic experiences have in common? How can you make masturbation and self-exploration a bigger part of your life? What erotic media can you explore, be it sexy fanfiction or female-friendly pornography? Where did you learn to perceive any of your sexual behaviors or desires as shameful or wrong? Do you view your pleasure as being equally important to your partner(s)’s pleasure? If not, then what experiences have taught you that your pleasure is less important?